The more I learn, the less I understand

this is not the way I had envisioned my life was going to be. coming to terms with the reality when the dreaming is quickly coming to an end is sometimes too hard to comprehend. my mind still wanders to the possibilities, only to remember, the possibilities are no longer valid. but that doesn't stop the yearning. when you've created the space in your heart for the things you want the most, how do you fill it when the thoughts you hold so dear will never fill it full enough? the years have come and gone, in this life I've plugged along, letting life guide me where it has, instead of leading it where I wanted to be. fear, uncertainty, lack of planning, not knowing, these have all been my obstacles, my stumbling blocks, my inadequacies. if only I had learned sooner, if you want it, expect it, don't wait to be offered it, accept it as yours from the beginning. that is one of the lessons I wish I had perfected earlier on.

 

I love to drive down this street,

the yards so well kept,

the houses are neat,

the flowerbeds full of glory.

 

There are chairs and benches,

on the porch or the lawn,

rope swing hangs from a tree,

a child’s colored picture,

decorating a window.

 

There's life in these houses,

spilling out to the lawn,

porch lights stay lit,

until the last one comes home.

 

Where are those mornings,

when I cursed the alarm,

echoes of what do I wear,

where is my stuff,

Mom, please help me with my hair.

echo on and on.

 

When I rushed everyone off,

with lunches and homework,

then myself to work,

only to find I had,

A stain on my shirt.

 

Now they are on their way,

with new wings they’ve grown,

creating new lives,

moved out on their own,

the quiet takes on different shades,

of regret and loneliness.

 

I know it's not wrong to miss them,

but I just wish I could reach out and kiss them,

try to tell them how to live life to the fullest,

realizing they think I’m just being foolish .

 

So now I drive down this street,

looking at houses, the bikes on the lawns,

harried mothers calling their children home,

where the circus will soon convene.

 

Dinner, homework, a tuck and a giggle,

bath time, alone time, washing up after dinner,

honey you have really been too long on the phone,

more hugs and more snuggles,

the 10 o'clock news struggles,

a life, full and complete.

 

And I yearn …

Suz © 8/06